2018

A belated welcome to 2018.

The year of doing everything that makes me (and I hope you) happy. Holding on with both hands to those I love and who make me smile. The year of doing things for me, the things that feel good. The year I travel to the places I love and to places I am going to love. A year of new experiences, and continuing to do the things I already know that I enjoy.

Life is short. So short.

And I am not about to spend another year living for anyone other than myself.

For the most part of 2017, I wasn’t me. My anxiety was at an all time high, my life was plagued by OCD, I spent a lot of time alone, I stopped exercising regularly, I wasn’t happy in my job, my relationship, and most importantly I wasn’t happy in myself.

It wasn’t until I hit breaking point in the latter part of the year that I even realised I wasn’t me. So many people had said to me that I wasn’t the Emily they know, it just took me a really long time to see it myself.

Over the last few months I have finally felt like myself again. I joined the gym, I’ve spent more time with my friends and family, met some amazing new people, I’ve gone out to gigs, out for dinner, for nights out, I’ve started a new job, I’ve treated myself to little bits and bobs, and I’ve had those butterfly feelings in my stomach of utter excitement for no reason other than I am genuinely happy and feel good about the life I’m living.

I am happy. So incredibly happy.

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From ‘Salt’ by Nayyirah Waheed

I have so many things I want to do this year, and for the first time in such a long time, I actually feel excited for my future. Anything seems possible, and I know that it’s all down to me. I don’t need anyone else to validate me. I know I’m enough and I know I have everything inside me to create the most incredible life.

It’s funny. The moment you realise that you are enough, that you make you good enough, is the moment you attract those who will lift you up even higher. All the time you believe you need someone, that you aren’t enough, you’ll only attract those who will drag you down and push away the people in your life that only ever want the best for you. You don’t listen to the advice of the people who genuinely love you. You accept that what is happening is everything you deserve, and you should be lucky that the negative people put up with you and all of your ‘flaws’ that they remind you so often that you have. That is not true. You deserve to be surrounded by people who feel lucky to have you, in the same way you feel lucky to have them.

If you’re in that situation right now, chances are you don’t even realise it. You don’t think you deserve better and that this is just how life is. It’s not. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, both from other people and yourself. Know that you deserve every happiness. You deserve to live the life that 5 year old you dreamed of.

So what am I hoping to do with my life in 2018?

  • Go on holiday- I’m hoping to go back to Spain at some point in 2018, but also want to go somewhere completely new. I’m planning on putting some money aside each month for an end of year/start of 2019 trip to New Zealand. I’ve always wanted to go, and I finally feel like the time is coming.
  • Go to a festival- Reading 2014 was one of the best experiences of my life, I’m so down to go again!
  • Write all the things- I’m thinking of giving fiction a try, we’ll see how that goes! – A special person has also encouraged me to try my hand at poetry, so watch this space!
  • Move into my own home- After ending a relationship, I moved out of the house we rented together and back home to my parents. I’m living here for the next few months to save some cash and look for the perfect new place. I loved living on my own last year, so I can’t wait to do it again.
  • Contribute- I have a roof over my head, supportive friends and family, food, a job, clean water, as well as so many other things that I am so thankful for. I believe that it is everyone’s responsibility to help others where they can. Be it donating money to a charity, volunteering for a cause that speaks to you, or simply offering food to someone you might see on the street. There are so many ways to help, and I want to spend this year (and every year) contributing to those less fortunate than I.
  • Complete ‘Insanity’ again- I completed the Insanity workout programme a couple of years ago, I ended up in the best shape of my life, and felt amazing. I love a challenge, and feel like I’m in the right place, mentally to give this another round!

After a hard 2016, which I shared a little here, and here, I thought 2017 was definitely going to be easier. Turns out I was wrong. 2016 was the warm up to a very difficult 2017. But I can honestly say beyond any doubt, that 2018 is going to be amazing. Because a lot of the things that happened in 2017 were things that I allowed to happen, in a way they were self inflicted, I could and should have saved myself so much hurt by being strong and making the changes before things got too bad. I wasn’t strong enough at the time. But I am now.

I’m thankful for the lessons learnt in 2017. I just wish I hadn’t had to learn them the hard way. Regardless, I won’t see whoever I was in 2017 again. I don’t know her.

I am me again, and I’m pretty stoked about that.

Thank you to every single person in my life right now. You’re here because I love you, because you make me happy. I will forever be your cheerleader, as I know you are mine.

I hope 2018 is as amazing for you as I’m going to make it for me.

Until next time,

Emily x

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